How to keep casually amazing sex, casual

Friends with benefits is something I whole heartedly believe in. (It may be because I’m sexually frustrated, so there’s that.) But we are taught as women to either have sex in a relationship or as a emotionless free agent. This completely ignores the intoxicating gray area between fully committed and fully detached where we get to explore our own sexuality and create incredible connections with men.

There is something beautiful about having a long-ish term purely sexual or mostly sexual relationship with a man. Someone you trust and get to know physically. Someone who is invested in learning what you buttons are and how to use them. And yes, it is exactly as ideal as it sounds.

But it’s not always the norm. The reason that we so often fall into one extreme or another is because we never draw the lines in our mind between casual sex and the possibility of a relationship.

After a few months of dating (sans sex) and after an ongoing torrid breakup, I am eager for passion, someone who will toss me against a wall and get wild. Whether or not he ends up being my husband is not something that I need to worry about.

But there are rules for keeping a casual sexual relationship casual. To put it simply, communication communication communication.

What’s your type? Tall, dark, looks great in a suit (sorry, is that just me). Maybe you should try short, sporty and great in bed. It shouldn’t be hard, men are easy to convince to be in a healthy FWB relationship. Everyone gets what they need and no one gets weird. Build into the relationship a few of your dealbreakers. Does he lack ambition? Does he have ex girlfriend issues? Good – he’s not perfect. That’s perfect.

Everyone has their own ideas of what casual means. You don’t have to create a vision board around the thing, but be honest with yourself about what those boundaries look and feel like. What does casual conversation sound like? It probably sounds like netflix reviews and swapping new music suggestions. It does not include opening up about your family or your issues at work. That’s boyfriend convo. What does a casual morning feel like? Is there brunch and netflix? NO! There is a bowl of cereal and a high-five. Whatever those things look like, define it together before you unzip your pants.

The emotional risk of putting yourself out there for a Friends-with-benefits is only really worth it if the sex is Ah-mazing. So take it there. Explore your deepest wild side and shake the mattress of your bed frame. If the sex becomes mediocre or overly logistical, move on. Have a parting drink, thank him for a great friendship and everything else, and let him go. Go into every FWB relationship knowing you’ll be the best sex they’ll ever had, and then prove yourself right. Men often step up to the challenge and give you the same courtesy.

There is so much lost in translation via text. There is so much room for interpretation and emotion. Even the timing between texts can be read into about how much or how little someone cares. This is crazy-talk. In order to keep emotions as loose as possible, booty call. Remember when you called and they answered or they didn’t. There was no waiting for texts to be returned. It was magical. Establish a call-only communication. You both have the option to answer or not answer, and move on if it’s not happening tonight.

Pause and really think before letting him hang out with your friends. And do your damndest not to choose someone in the inner cirlce. They likely have a complex history with the group and you don’t want a potential fling to create tension with the people that matter most to you. If you introduce your FWB partner to your friends, they may become attached, making things more difficult when want to stop seeing him. He may end up being on all your weekend kayak trips and group birthday parties.

Many articles say “Don’t get too close, don’t start imagining your FWB as your future husband or lifelong partner.” It’s true that those feelings of creating a life together with someone who you chose specifically for sex is not a great idea. But to try and stop yourself from imagining what they would be like as a partner is unrealistic. Imagine away! But remember at the end of your fantasy, that it is only that. A fantasy. And in real life, things would be VERY different. But enjoy the fantasy and bring that into the bedroom.

Jealousy isn’t something that is exclusive to well… being exclusive. It is natural in our society to feel jealous towards a person we are sleeping with. This is normal and shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Let feelings of jealousy rise and fall naturally. Acknowledge them and move on. Feeling jealous when you see your FWB with another woman does not mean that you have deeper feelings for him or that maybe you should lock that shit down, it just means your human. Relax and laugh about it with them, tell them how you feel and have a roll in the hay to forget about it.

If things start getting strange, or you start having feelings for someone else, even the tiniest incling of lurve, stop the FWB relationship. End things before someone gets their feelings hurt. It’s normally not the FWB. It’s the new boyfriend who found out you were sleeping with someone else when you started dating. In most cases, it doesn’t matter and this is water under the bridge, but why risk a great relationship for something you intend to be temporary.

A FWB relationship is exciting because it’s risky. With risk comes the possibility for hurt. You HAVE to understand this completely before getting into a FWB relationship. Enjoy the risk and when you feel a bit offended or jealous or have your feelings stepped on, know it’s part of the process. Know where your line is and when to move on. Risk is exciting – until it’s not.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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