MMMMMmmmmmmm…. baggage. It has been the focus of my week. In a really good way. I’ve got it. My friends have it. My clients have it. My phenomenal body-melting new man has it. And since we’ve all got a little extra emotional residue still gunking up our brains, you’d think we would have more conversations about it.
But usually there is only one. Or maybe two.
Most people who are emotionally intelligent understand their own baggage and even openly accept the baggage their new partner brings to the door when they first start a relationship. But so often I see the same thing happen. Within the first few weeks of a new committed relationship, you find yourself relaxing with take-out and a movie and end up blubber about your past. You cry, you hold it each other; it’s fucking beautiful. You exchange understanding looks and think “phew… I’m glad that’s over. We’ve successfully talked about our baggage… now moving on.”
Oh, how I wish that was realistic.
I am the worst offender of this. I even found myself saying “…but after this is over, let’s not talk about our relationship for a while.” While that is partially a brilliant plan that will let us explore and adventure together, forcing silence on our relationship talks could possibly cause more damage than they’re worth.
Most baggage isn’t explained in that conversation about relationship resumes: where you list who you dated, when shit went down and how. Most of the actual emotional gunk comes out stuck to other conversations, as projections and expectations of your partner or subtle insecurities tied to everyday conversations.
This sort of unacknowledged baggage is the stuff that causes rifts between partners and perpetuates fear in your own mind. I want to help you (oh, and me) try to figure out how to get out in front of these situations so you can have insanely amazing relationships, not despite your baggage, but with the help of your baggage and your past.
For most people this is where things get tough. It’s scary to talk about our pasts in the context of our day-to-day life. It takes perspective and self reflection that many of us simply don’t have time for. Dealing with each other’s baggage probably means you’ll become familiar with the names and nuances of your partner’s past lovers. It takes that perspective and confidence to recognize that their beauty, intelligence, passion and prowess doesn’t make you less of a woman. That’s insanely hard. But it is necessary. Jealousy is uncomfortable, and in relationships, that feeling of being unsettled or uncomfortable is often what drives us apart more than anger or pain. People in open relationships often talk about unlearning jealousy. It’s not about NEVER feeling jealous; great relationship growth happens in realizing jealousy is happening and being ok with the awkwardness.
It’s actually not the discomfort and jealousy that’s the problem, it’s when we let jealousy ignite a crazyfire in us and we say or do things that are hurtful or unnecessary. I had a client this week who recently started a new relationship. Baggage became the theme of the first few weeks of their story. My client is amazing and has taken everything in stride as her new bf started demanding strange relationship requirements and setting unusual expectations for her. It is the perfect example of how our pasts can change us. She has taken the last 6 months of personal work (and working with me) to learn from her past, and really embrace it as a part of what makes her amazing. He, on the other hand, has not had a chance to do this. And this is an amazing guy! So when she recognized that his strange list of relationship requirements derived almost directly from the moments he has been hurt the most, she was able to diffuse the situation. They’ve started to acknowledge together when baggage is clouding the conversation. Getting better at this as a couple will help them avoid situations where you might become a raging douchebag – causing your partner to be defensive. That cycle has never worked out well. ever. Essentially, when you start acknowledging jealousy and hangups in the moment, you stop acting like a crazy person.
This whole blog idea started after a huge fail on my part. Looking back on it now, it’s actually kind of funny 
After having an epic baggage-revealing conversation I felt amazing, wrapped in the arms of a man who ‘gets’ me. And then less than an hour later, we launched into a conversation where both of us brought our past and insecurities to the table and in the moment never actually acknowledged the situation. I accidentally revealed my insecurities about commitment in a strange text (goddamn smart phones) and he reacted by creating a series of stories in his head about who I am and what I want that built a wall between us. He made assumptions and I reacted defensively. Oh the cycle begins! But something really phenomenal happened. I openly admitted that because of my baggage from my past relationships I am massively scared of men who care about me but can’t commit. He admits that he is stuck inside his head and might have jumped to conclusions that created disconnect. We brought the baggage inside our home. We shut the door. And then we made out for a while.
This has been my mantra as I’ve worked to get past my hangups and chill the fuck out. Worry is at the root of baggage. When jealousy and insecurity and fear get inside your head, you will churn worry. That churning will keep you from committing, it will keep you from enjoying a great relationship and seeing your partner for who they really are.
Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.
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