Can you change your dirty sex mind?

A couple of years ago I was really into nipples. Human nipples in particular (you wanted to take it there). I loved the way my partner’s nips felt up against my skin, and the way mine felt against their man-chest and lips. I loved the sensation and the eroticism of the little weird evolutionary phenomenon. I think my curiosity turned into a playful exploration of all the cool things you could do to/with them and then it became one of my “things”.

Like most of my hobbies, once I mastered the curiosity, I moved onto another weird small sexy obsession. I was thinking about this the other day (you don’t want to hear that story) and I considered going down that old road to being turned on. Then I had a strange realization. “I am SO over that.”

It’s a sign of sexual maturity and progress, and you should allow yourself to be so into something and explore it and then easily move on. I think when we apply this to a broader issue of the ebb and flow of sexuality we can have a better understanding of our relationships and how to turn each other on.

Sexual preferences change over time. That’s the whole point of this friggin blog. No one knows this more than people in longterm relationships. I see many unhappy couples who are still having the same sex they had when they first hooked up. And it’s not just about getting kinkier to make things “more interesting”. That’s bullshit. Maybe you need to make things less kinky, because you’ve overused the same sex toys and they don’t have the same appeal. Or you need to get freaky in a different way. Couples should be trying new positions and toys and talks, because maybe you weren’t into that a year ago, but it could totally steam things up NOW.

Maybe it’s not that you aren’t into each other, but maybe you’re not into the things that you both used to do. Switch it up.

I once accidentally told a guy on our first inappropriate sleepover that I was into anal. It was a Sorbet Relationship and I was trying to push things a little further than I normally would so I could feel alive! But, it was a huge mistake. He took this as a directive instead of a suggestion. Not as “this would be a fun occasional sexy thing to do”; instead, he heard that I wanted to start every sexual experience with anal and then let things progress from there. No! Just because a person wants  something once, does not set a standard that it is the ONLY thing they are into. If someone asks you to  do something, listen to them, and listen to their body language. If they whisper during dirty talking foreplay that they want you to go down on them, don’t assume that’s the only thing they enjoy. Even within a single sexual experience try to change it up, let one thing lead to another and explore the full gamut of sensual options.

The high expectations for each sexual experience is killing us. I blame porn.

If we lower the expectation that we have that every sexual act will be mindblowing and that we have to be deeply turned on by certain acts, we actually have the chance of getting better at sex. Most people miss all the fun of exploring each other and new things because they are scared of being bad at it. Everyone is bad at it before they are good. Sex is a practice. But that’s why being tapped into your own sexuality and knowing what feels good is so important. Many people, and not always just women, spend their whole sex life trying to figure out what their partners want, and since they’re consumed with doing only that, they never figure out what their buttons are. You know what is a universal turn-on (except for the most extreme douchebags), having a partner that is COMPLETELY turned on. That vibe is wild!

In the same way, if you are with a sexual partner, don’t assume that the things that felt amazing with your last partner will carry over. Each person is amazing at their own kind of sex. Find out what your partner is really good at. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. I’ve heard so many people say “I’m just not that into oral sex”. It’s probably because your last partner wasn’t that into it, or they were just terrible at the thing. I am on a crusade to change the mind of every human being who has ever said those words. (not that I can put that in a business plan)

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

View the original article here