Orgasms for Breakfast

I swear by the end of this article the title will make more sense.

I’ve been reading a lot about Orgasmic Meditation recently and the whole thing has really got me thinking. The practice of Orgasmic Meditation is incredibly interesting and not always in a good way. It’s a massage-like practice that is a sequence of structured strokes in which one partner gently massages the other partner’s clitoris for 15 minutes. I would go into more detail, but that’s pretty much it.

Although I don’t agree with everything they teach, I do resoundingly agree with one thing. I love that the goal of OM is not to get mindblowing love-making orgasms, but to raise the oxytocin level in a woman to help her cope with the anxiety of a high stress lifestyle.

boom.

The creator of OM and her company OneTaste, is also the writer of one of my favorite books, Slow Sex, and I LOVE the way she approaches certain aspects of love and orgasm as a practical, honest and underutilized. We approach sex as a wham bam thank you ma’am situation and lose all of the physical, mental and emotional benefits. We spend so much time faking big theatrical orgasms (which is a different story) that sometimes we forget orgasming is a vital physical function and is the glue of many amazing relationships.

You can read a ton of information about how wild the people are who have flocked around this practice, (I love/hate them and am jealous and can’t stop watching the trainwreck) who literally live and breathe Orgasmic Meditation. Many of the practitioners and teachers in different cities live together in group homes. It has come under scrutiny from people who recognize the founder of OneTaste, as being sort of cult-ish in the same way that Bikram yoga has been called out. Training to be an Orgasmic Meditation Coach costs $15,000 (yes, I am considering starting a Kickstarter). As a company, from a Start-up perspective, they are awe-inspiring and the movement is spreading like wildfire (I thought the herpes analogy would be too real), but as a basic human sexual practice – I am a HUGE fan.

Imagine if we looked at orgasms the way we look at food. Imagine if we looked at sexual tension the same way we look at blood sugar. That isn’t a crazy comparison considering the physical and health properties of both.

The release of sexual tension causes the hormone oxytocin to be released from nerve cells in the hypothalamus (a region of the brain) into the bloodstream, allowing the body to relax and stabilize. It helps us to open up, eases anxiety so we can communicate better and trust more easily. Oxytocin aids in reducing inflammation and improves physical healing of wounds (and emotional) and improves our brain function and memory capacity.

The OM practice has developed their VERY specific massage-like practice to be methodical and technical. The “stroking” allegedly activates the limbic system and releases a flood of oxytocin. The technique is a spiritual practice like meditation, but also more of a “body-hack to happiness.”

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we started treating orgasms the way we do eating a healthy breakfast or a midday snack. When we feel our blood sugar start to dip we recognize our “hangry” habits and grab a healthy snack to keep our body and mind working at it’s highest capacity. We eat a large healthy breakfast to get us through the day. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we recognized when we were starting to get tense, overworked, stressed out and generally bitchy and think “oh my god, I’m going to stop and get an OM after work.” We do it with food, shouldn’t we be doing the same with orgasms?

I am committing (not that it’s a huge stretch) to having a nice quick orgasm before going to yoga every morning. Starting my day with a balanced breakfast and a quickie. The physical benefits alone are worth it. 

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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Can you change your dirty sex mind?

A couple of years ago I was really into nipples. Human nipples in particular (you wanted to take it there). I loved the way my partner’s nips felt up against my skin, and the way mine felt against their man-chest and lips. I loved the sensation and the eroticism of the little weird evolutionary phenomenon. I think my curiosity turned into a playful exploration of all the cool things you could do to/with them and then it became one of my “things”.

Like most of my hobbies, once I mastered the curiosity, I moved onto another weird small sexy obsession. I was thinking about this the other day (you don’t want to hear that story) and I considered going down that old road to being turned on. Then I had a strange realization. “I am SO over that.”

It’s a sign of sexual maturity and progress, and you should allow yourself to be so into something and explore it and then easily move on. I think when we apply this to a broader issue of the ebb and flow of sexuality we can have a better understanding of our relationships and how to turn each other on.

Sexual preferences change over time. That’s the whole point of this friggin blog. No one knows this more than people in longterm relationships. I see many unhappy couples who are still having the same sex they had when they first hooked up. And it’s not just about getting kinkier to make things “more interesting”. That’s bullshit. Maybe you need to make things less kinky, because you’ve overused the same sex toys and they don’t have the same appeal. Or you need to get freaky in a different way. Couples should be trying new positions and toys and talks, because maybe you weren’t into that a year ago, but it could totally steam things up NOW.

Maybe it’s not that you aren’t into each other, but maybe you’re not into the things that you both used to do. Switch it up.

I once accidentally told a guy on our first inappropriate sleepover that I was into anal. It was a Sorbet Relationship and I was trying to push things a little further than I normally would so I could feel alive! But, it was a huge mistake. He took this as a directive instead of a suggestion. Not as “this would be a fun occasional sexy thing to do”; instead, he heard that I wanted to start every sexual experience with anal and then let things progress from there. No! Just because a person wants  something once, does not set a standard that it is the ONLY thing they are into. If someone asks you to  do something, listen to them, and listen to their body language. If they whisper during dirty talking foreplay that they want you to go down on them, don’t assume that’s the only thing they enjoy. Even within a single sexual experience try to change it up, let one thing lead to another and explore the full gamut of sensual options.

The high expectations for each sexual experience is killing us. I blame porn.

If we lower the expectation that we have that every sexual act will be mindblowing and that we have to be deeply turned on by certain acts, we actually have the chance of getting better at sex. Most people miss all the fun of exploring each other and new things because they are scared of being bad at it. Everyone is bad at it before they are good. Sex is a practice. But that’s why being tapped into your own sexuality and knowing what feels good is so important. Many people, and not always just women, spend their whole sex life trying to figure out what their partners want, and since they’re consumed with doing only that, they never figure out what their buttons are. You know what is a universal turn-on (except for the most extreme douchebags), having a partner that is COMPLETELY turned on. That vibe is wild!

In the same way, if you are with a sexual partner, don’t assume that the things that felt amazing with your last partner will carry over. Each person is amazing at their own kind of sex. Find out what your partner is really good at. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. I’ve heard so many people say “I’m just not that into oral sex”. It’s probably because your last partner wasn’t that into it, or they were just terrible at the thing. I am on a crusade to change the mind of every human being who has ever said those words. (not that I can put that in a business plan)

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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I’ve GOT closure – go get your own!

Closure is like the holy grail for people who are getting out of painful relationships. We think it’s going to be a moment of redemption, a rush of peace and self acceptance. But what it ends up being is late night text wars, phone calls that end in tears and coffee dates that tear open the wounds we’d just spent months of therapy trying to heal. Yikes.  This constant cycle of self-inflicted jealousy/pain/ that breaks us down, and then the slow process of building our emotional wellbeing back to status quo is so unhealthy. But it’s not your fault! It’s our society’s idea of closure that we see people get at the end of rom-coms and hear about in Taylor Swift songs. (holy god – I can’t believe I just referenced her. I meant to say Paul Simon!)

Maybe we should get honest about what closure really is. It’s not redemption. It’s validation of our feelings, it’s a confirmation that our love and time wasn’t wasted. It’s a messy conversation about whether or not we will ever really find love, or if we missed our chance.

These are all important questions – but ones we need to answer for ourselves. We will never find that validation, time and love in anyone else. We have to get it from loving ourselves so hard. And that’s not always easy, we have to love ourselves so hard. Smother yourself in overindulgence, attention and love. Imagine if you redirected the energy that you are sending to your ex towards yourself. You would feel so loved, because you’re good at that! And the best part is, when you love yourself you know you will feel that love in return. After months or years of loving someone who can’t love you back, this feels amazing – trust me.

Love yourself so hard you can barely handle it. 

We want to think that closure is the last piece of the puzzle. This magical door that will disappear once it’s been closed. But it’s not always that straightforward. There’s no door, there’s definitely no disappearing!

Closure comes with recognizing that you are responsible for your own happiness. And that closure doesn’t really exist.

Why do we lean on the person who caused up so much pain to relieve that same pain? That’s insanity!

There is this beautiful moment that I consider my moment of closure for my last horrific relationship; it came in realizing that my search for closure was the one thing that was keeping me from moving on. Accepting that knowing whether he cared about me, or whether he cheated wouldn’t get me closer to happiness. Happiness and closure would come with cocktails with my besties, kayak trips with my Mom, mountain biking in the White Mountains with whoever would go.

That’s the closure I’m getting now – and it feels frigging awesome.

Here are a few of the ways I have found true closure:

Closure sounds like a single step process. Everyone apologizes and everything is resolved. done-sies. But this is not reality. Acceptance is the real goal, but that is only possible after you heal. You know those 5 steps of grief, yeah, you’re going to have to go through them. My relationship coaching clients come to me and say “fix me – I’m sad and I want to be over this feeling”. But there are only 2 things that can truly get you to acceptance; time and distance. Time and distance are incredibly powerful. And paying a therapist won’t make this time and distance any less important or move any faster.

Did I mention you should take time and distance? The only way to ensure a good friendship or relationship with your ex in the future is to take the time you need now to create a life of your own. Asking for your partner to stop contacting you does not make you a bitch or dramatic. We think that “staying friends” is the mature thing to do as adults. But that is crazy, you still have emotions that need time to resolve themselves. And your partner isn’t helping.  You’ll be friends (maybe) in the future. Take as much time without the calls and texts that you need. Decisions made directly after a break-up are often fueled by what will save the relationship in the moment. You want to get him back, so you call and text and want to talk. Ironically, it has the opposite effect and drives our exes away, more often than not. Give yourself a few weeks or months to gain the perspective you need to decide whether or not to be friends. You’ll be able to tell what is best for YOU, not what is best for quick-fixing your situation.

Do you have a to-do list? Not at work – but in life? Start doing that. Take up a class or a hobby that you’ve always meant to try. Hobbies are the fastest way to pass the time that you need to take. I see the most frustration from my clients who are going through a breakup and make dating their next hobby. That’s not helping! Frankly, the only interesting thing you want to talk about is your relationship and your ex. Not great conversation for a first date. But if you are starting to paddleboard, or are taking a woodworking class, or taking bad self portraits; that is the shit that makes you exciting and interesting and will draw people in without ever having to try. Effortless sensuality? That sounds awesome – maybe that’s what I’ll write about next.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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How to keep casually amazing sex, casual

Friends with benefits is something I whole heartedly believe in. (It may be because I’m sexually frustrated, so there’s that.) But we are taught as women to either have sex in a relationship or as a emotionless free agent. This completely ignores the intoxicating gray area between fully committed and fully detached where we get to explore our own sexuality and create incredible connections with men.

There is something beautiful about having a long-ish term purely sexual or mostly sexual relationship with a man. Someone you trust and get to know physically. Someone who is invested in learning what you buttons are and how to use them. And yes, it is exactly as ideal as it sounds.

But it’s not always the norm. The reason that we so often fall into one extreme or another is because we never draw the lines in our mind between casual sex and the possibility of a relationship.

After a few months of dating (sans sex) and after an ongoing torrid breakup, I am eager for passion, someone who will toss me against a wall and get wild. Whether or not he ends up being my husband is not something that I need to worry about.

But there are rules for keeping a casual sexual relationship casual. To put it simply, communication communication communication.

What’s your type? Tall, dark, looks great in a suit (sorry, is that just me). Maybe you should try short, sporty and great in bed. It shouldn’t be hard, men are easy to convince to be in a healthy FWB relationship. Everyone gets what they need and no one gets weird. Build into the relationship a few of your dealbreakers. Does he lack ambition? Does he have ex girlfriend issues? Good – he’s not perfect. That’s perfect.

Everyone has their own ideas of what casual means. You don’t have to create a vision board around the thing, but be honest with yourself about what those boundaries look and feel like. What does casual conversation sound like? It probably sounds like netflix reviews and swapping new music suggestions. It does not include opening up about your family or your issues at work. That’s boyfriend convo. What does a casual morning feel like? Is there brunch and netflix? NO! There is a bowl of cereal and a high-five. Whatever those things look like, define it together before you unzip your pants.

The emotional risk of putting yourself out there for a Friends-with-benefits is only really worth it if the sex is Ah-mazing. So take it there. Explore your deepest wild side and shake the mattress of your bed frame. If the sex becomes mediocre or overly logistical, move on. Have a parting drink, thank him for a great friendship and everything else, and let him go. Go into every FWB relationship knowing you’ll be the best sex they’ll ever had, and then prove yourself right. Men often step up to the challenge and give you the same courtesy.

There is so much lost in translation via text. There is so much room for interpretation and emotion. Even the timing between texts can be read into about how much or how little someone cares. This is crazy-talk. In order to keep emotions as loose as possible, booty call. Remember when you called and they answered or they didn’t. There was no waiting for texts to be returned. It was magical. Establish a call-only communication. You both have the option to answer or not answer, and move on if it’s not happening tonight.

Pause and really think before letting him hang out with your friends. And do your damndest not to choose someone in the inner cirlce. They likely have a complex history with the group and you don’t want a potential fling to create tension with the people that matter most to you. If you introduce your FWB partner to your friends, they may become attached, making things more difficult when want to stop seeing him. He may end up being on all your weekend kayak trips and group birthday parties.

Many articles say “Don’t get too close, don’t start imagining your FWB as your future husband or lifelong partner.” It’s true that those feelings of creating a life together with someone who you chose specifically for sex is not a great idea. But to try and stop yourself from imagining what they would be like as a partner is unrealistic. Imagine away! But remember at the end of your fantasy, that it is only that. A fantasy. And in real life, things would be VERY different. But enjoy the fantasy and bring that into the bedroom.

Jealousy isn’t something that is exclusive to well… being exclusive. It is natural in our society to feel jealous towards a person we are sleeping with. This is normal and shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Let feelings of jealousy rise and fall naturally. Acknowledge them and move on. Feeling jealous when you see your FWB with another woman does not mean that you have deeper feelings for him or that maybe you should lock that shit down, it just means your human. Relax and laugh about it with them, tell them how you feel and have a roll in the hay to forget about it.

If things start getting strange, or you start having feelings for someone else, even the tiniest incling of lurve, stop the FWB relationship. End things before someone gets their feelings hurt. It’s normally not the FWB. It’s the new boyfriend who found out you were sleeping with someone else when you started dating. In most cases, it doesn’t matter and this is water under the bridge, but why risk a great relationship for something you intend to be temporary.

A FWB relationship is exciting because it’s risky. With risk comes the possibility for hurt. You HAVE to understand this completely before getting into a FWB relationship. Enjoy the risk and when you feel a bit offended or jealous or have your feelings stepped on, know it’s part of the process. Know where your line is and when to move on. Risk is exciting – until it’s not.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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Everyone has baggage. But how do you, ya know… like, talk about it.

MMMMMmmmmmmm…. baggage. It has been the focus of my week. In a really good way. I’ve got it. My friends have it. My clients have it. My phenomenal body-melting new man has it. And since we’ve all got a little extra emotional residue still gunking up our brains, you’d think we would have more conversations about it.

But usually there is only one. Or maybe two.

Most people who are emotionally intelligent understand their own baggage and even openly accept the baggage their new partner brings to the door when they first start a relationship. But so often I see the same thing happen. Within the first few weeks of a new committed relationship, you find yourself relaxing with take-out and a movie and end up blubber about your past. You cry, you hold it each other; it’s fucking beautiful. You exchange understanding looks and think “phew… I’m glad that’s over. We’ve successfully talked about our baggage… now moving on.”

Oh, how I wish that was realistic.

I am the worst offender of this. I even found myself saying “…but after this is over, let’s not talk  about our relationship for a while.” While that is partially a brilliant plan that will let us explore and adventure together, forcing silence on our relationship talks could possibly cause more damage than they’re worth.

Most baggage isn’t explained in that conversation about relationship resumes: where you list who you dated, when shit went down and how. Most of the actual emotional gunk comes out stuck to other conversations, as projections and expectations of your partner or subtle insecurities tied to everyday conversations.

This sort of unacknowledged baggage is the stuff that causes rifts between partners and perpetuates fear in your own mind. I want to help you (oh, and me) try to figure out how to get out in front of these situations so you can have insanely amazing relationships, not despite your baggage, but with the help of your baggage and your past.

For most people this is where things get tough. It’s scary to talk about our pasts in the context of our day-to-day life. It takes perspective and self reflection that many of us simply don’t have time for. Dealing with each other’s baggage probably means you’ll become familiar with the names and nuances of your partner’s past lovers. It takes that perspective and confidence to recognize that their beauty, intelligence, passion and prowess doesn’t make you less of a woman. That’s insanely hard. But it is necessary. Jealousy is uncomfortable, and in relationships, that feeling of being unsettled or uncomfortable is often what drives us apart more than anger or pain. People in open relationships often talk about unlearning jealousy. It’s not about NEVER feeling jealous; great relationship growth happens in realizing jealousy is happening and being ok with the awkwardness.

It’s actually not the discomfort and jealousy that’s the problem, it’s when we let jealousy ignite a crazyfire in us and we say or do things that are hurtful or unnecessary. I had a client this week who recently started a new relationship. Baggage became the theme of the first few weeks of their story. My client is amazing and has taken everything in stride as her new bf started demanding strange relationship requirements and setting unusual expectations for her. It is the perfect example of how our pasts can change us. She has taken the last 6 months of personal work (and working with me) to learn from her past, and really embrace it as a part of what makes her amazing. He, on the other hand, has not had a chance to do this. And this is an amazing guy! So when she recognized that his strange list of relationship requirements derived almost directly from the moments he has been hurt the most, she was able to diffuse the situation. They’ve started to acknowledge together when baggage is clouding the conversation. Getting better at this as a couple will help them avoid situations where you might become a raging douchebag – causing your partner to be defensive. That cycle has never worked out well. ever. Essentially, when you start acknowledging jealousy and hangups in the moment, you stop acting like a crazy person. 

This whole blog idea started after a huge fail on my part. Looking back on it now, it’s actually kind of funny After having an epic baggage-revealing conversation I felt amazing, wrapped in the arms of a man who ‘gets’ me. And then less than an hour later, we launched into a conversation where both of us brought our past and insecurities to the table and in the moment never actually acknowledged the situation. I accidentally revealed my insecurities about commitment in a strange text (goddamn smart phones) and he reacted by creating a series of stories in his head about who I am and what I want that built a wall between us. He made assumptions and I reacted defensively. Oh the cycle begins! But something really phenomenal happened. I openly admitted that because of my baggage from my past relationships I am massively scared of men who care about me but can’t commit. He admits that he is stuck inside his head and might have jumped to conclusions that created disconnect. We brought the baggage inside our home. We shut the door. And then we made out for a while.

This has been my mantra as I’ve worked to get past my hangups and chill the fuck out. Worry is at the root of baggage. When jealousy and insecurity and fear get inside your head, you will churn worry. That churning will keep you from committing, it will keep you from enjoying a great relationship and seeing your partner for who they really are.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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Vitamin D is the sexiest vitamin of all time

Earlier this week I wrote an article for my other blog THE SEX FILES about how the cold and long-ass winter is destroying relationships.  And winter is winning. People have run out of things to do. Boredom and exhaustion are putting a strain on relationships, not only with our lovahs, but with ourselves and our friends.

Relationships aren’t just emotional and the issues we have with our SO aren’t always about communication, philandering and compatibility. Sometimes the issues that we are having with our partner are rooted in physical and chemical imbalances. Especially if you’re feeling the effects of a winter where you’re lacking sunshine, fresh air and exercise, a lot of the fights that we have or communication issues are actually us being naturally depressed, anxious, exhausted and blah.

This is an amazing realization, because there is SUCH an easy fix! Get more of the vitamins and nutrients that feed your body and you can change the whole mood of winter around.

{Vitamin D enter stage left}

If your sex life has taken a nose dive over the past few months, it’s not your fault. Or your partner. GET MORE VITAMIN D.

Also do the other things to improve your health and create a lifestyle that makes you feel supah-sexy. Healthy feels sexy to me.

For both men and women, Vitamin D improves sex drive. It also improves a lot of the emotional symptoms that cause lack of mojo; like depression, exhaustion, headaches (no she’s not lying), weight gain etc.

If you’re not in the mood, you may just need to rebalance your hormones which has a huge effect on your sex drive and ability to turn it on.

Your body is still driven by it’s drive to procreate. When you improve your fertility, you will feel more in line with your sexuality.

It’s hard to get sexy when you feel sick all the time. Get your immune system functioning at it’s best and you’ll feel better overall, including in the bedroom (or on the kitchen table)

The complex way Vitamin D affects your body is hard to sum up, but from my experience I can say, it makes me feel…. happy.

Side note – don’t trust over the counter vitamins. They are rarely what they say and rarely effective. Email me if you want suggestions on a good Vitamin recommendation.  emily@emilystraubel.com

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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La Petit Mort, and realizing that sex is complicated and terrifying

Talking about sex feels more scandalous in French. There is a nuance and subtlety in that language that has perfectly captured my emotion over the past few weeks.

In particular, there is one single phrase that bottles up the complicated, contradictory and terrifying emotions that come along with sex.

La Petit Mort has generally been interpreted to describe the post-orgasmic state of unconsciousness and “holy-fuck-what-just-happened” brain stopping emotion that some people have after a particularly intense sexual experience.

About a week ago I used this phrase to describe the wonderful orgasm I had while laying on my couch which sits on the floor of my living room (because I’m too lazy to fix the legs)  This “feeling” is quite literally a chemical release caused by the hormonal release of oxytocin in the brain after the occurrence of orgasm.

Then it stayed on my mind. And I started feeling it all over the place.

I started feeling the release, the stillness, and comfortable discomfort in completely non-sexual (or kind-of-sexual) encounters. It was totally fascinating and reminded me that everything is related and nothing is simple. Everything is complicatedly sensual. La Petit Mort can also refer to the spiritual release that comes with anything orgasmic; like yoga, a great meditation session, or losing yourself in your favorite album or live show (cue Stevie Wonder Songs in the Key of Life). It’s that indescribable short period of melancholy or transcendence as a result of the release of the “life force”.

Mmmmmmm…. life force.

La petit mort is more than just the chemical release. And it’s even more than the sensual and spiritual release that implies something amazing has happened. It can also be used when some terrible thing has happened to a person and has affected them so much that “a part of them dies inside”.

Holy shit.

It never occurred to me until my most recent breakup how heavily and complex that feeling is. And how the people who we open ourselves up to sexually, are the ones who can hurt us the most. How often are our memories and emotions about our exes both painful and deeply sensual? For me- so often.

I say all of this to make a point, I swear.

By recognizing that a single moment or a single memory can be deeply painful and sensual completely in tandem, it is easier to forgive ourselves for holding on to those relationships and feeling big complicated feelings. We can fully regret our past and completely honor the same experience. It’s ok.

Here are the three things I’ve learned from living my “La Petit Mort” to it’s fullest:

I know you have to go to work, but as I’ve mentioned before, take the time to bask in the afterglow of great sex with your partner. It is the stuff that mindblowing relationships are made of. Sex can be the foundation of something amazing, it can’t be the only thing to keep a partnership together, but connection and non-verbal communication come in handy when things get a bit rough. Enjoy the way your bed feels and the way your brain processes what just happened to you. Talk about what felt good and just lay there enjoying the silence of being completely exhausted because sex.

I found myself this week wrapped in the arms of a wonderful and strikingly handsome man as big fat snowflakes fell and the sun was setting and the ocean waves were crashing and D’Angelo started to play (in my head). I had the option to choose to focus on the moment and the details and not the unknowns and what-ifs. And that’s what I did. Lose yourself in that moment and let your heart bring quiet and stillness to your overactive brain. Enjoy the moment for what it is and let go of everything else. Ahhhhhhh… do you feel that? It feels like nothing. That’s La Petit Mort.

If you’ve gone through a recent breakup, you’ve probably thought back on your most intimate moments together and they simultaneously make you smile for how amazing you felt at the time, and also terrified for how vulnerable, sad and even violated you feel now. These feelings can exist in the same place in the same moment. That is so wild! But it provides us the most powerful opportunity to let that experience or memory go. Let that moment and the emotions you once had, die. Then get yourself together and move on.

By feeling your feelings, no matter how fucked up and complicated they might be, you can let yourself honor the past and look to the future.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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Why am I addicted to Tinder?

It’s officially too cold here in Maine to leave the house and go on a real date. But I’ve got something better to do. I’m dating from the comfort of my weird Tiffany blue chaisse lounge. I call it my Tinder nook. I have really good luck with finding charming men on my iPhone while sipping matcha and listening to salsa music in my nook. Apparently, that’s my zone.

A few days ago I got two texts almost simultaneously. One was from a client who I recently helped build an online profile for. (I’m a marketing strategist in my past life, so I help people say the things they can’t about themselves that they really should!). She asked what was wrong with her, she already hated online dating and just didn’t get it. The other was from a friend and RLP loyalist who asked me “Why am I addicted to Tinder? I can’t stop swiping.”

Yes! It’s that enthusiasm that makes dating worthwhile and makes her the star of any room she walks into. That girls got some mad confidence yo. But it’s also the way Tinder is set up that takes away the emotionally heaviness with “finding the one” that is often promoted by dating sites, and also the constant self confidence boost that is designed into the app. It’s fucking genius.

In a nutshell – here are the reasons I love being in love with Tinder.

As I mentioned in my article this week for MaineToday, ” the Epic Fails of online dating”, we immediately are drawn to online dating as the first step when getting out of a painful relationship. While I think that jumping into Match.com or OkCupid can be potentially hurtful to people you are communicating with, the casual and slightly detached function of Tinder allows you to scope dudes and check out the scene without leading someone on. 

Tinder is a great window into the single world of whatever town you live in. If you’ve been out of the game for a few years, or you’re not ready to commit, you need a chance to test the waters. You can give yourself the space to meet someone with no expectations of a lifelong passionate relationship. If that’s the baby step you need after a big relationship change, use Tinder. now.  Find your first sorbet relationship.

This is the #1 reason I recommended the app to my client who after going on OkCupid was overwhelmed. After only a few weeks on OkCupid she had barely come across a profile she could get excited about. She was feeling super depressed since she had started equating her self-value to the value of men she was arbitrarily being matched to. And we all know how crazy that is! OkCupid had hurt her feelings by essentially saying “we looked at your photos and read your profile and think only the men 30+ years older than you, overweight and who use terrible grammar will find you attractive. That’s nuts – but we’ve all been there. She just needed a confidence boost.

On Tinder after you swipe to the right, confirming that you are indeed attracted to the shirtless man climbing that mountain, there is this rush of confidence when you realize – Holy Motherfucker – he likes me too.  {insert sexy dance} And if not, no big deal, he probably hasn’t seen my photo yet. No love lost.

You only get positive reinforcement from people you already think are hot or interesting.  The creepo factor is pretty low with this design. That’s amazing. Way to go Tinder development team. That shit is genius.

I see online dating self sabateures everywhere! I’ve sat with friends helping them trim down lists of matches. They will inevitably start on these nit-picking sprees. “I will never marry a cat lover, I couldn’t date a guy who likes Chinese food more than Vietnamese, He likes the bands I listened to in Jr High,  my energy healer told me to never date an Aries, etc… ”

When we are feeling vulnerable or nervous about our ability to meet someone online, we start to rip apart our potential matches and cling to the small (dare I say insignificant) details that keep us from having to admit that person might be cool. Then we would have to call them and actually put ourselves out there to the world.

Tinder is a perfect fix for this. There is no expansive profile that outlines every like/dislike that might be different from your own. You have no reason to say no. We are forced to lean more on our intuition and the awesome voices that guide our sexual attraction spidey-senses.  in my opinion sexual compatibility and chemistry are far more important than whether he likes the same movies that you do, anyways!!

There is one thing that I love more than sex or dancing in my underwear; my friends. And you know what’s really fucking hot, having the same friends that I do. While I feel like traditional online dating sites are completely detached from the real world (and even hide us from it), Tinder puts this info into the open.

Being able to see which Facebook friends we share, and interests we have in common is amazing. It offers an intuitive insight into what you’re really like, not just what you say you’re into online. If you’re friends with my old bandmates and film makers, I know you are artsy and creative and a good time. If you’re friends with my entrepreneur and ad agency friends, you will likely be motivated and badass.

And if we’re talking and planning on meeting up for drinks, I can ask my friend-in-common whether you’re cool or not.

Boom. Character reference. I love it.

I meet men at networking events. Sometimes I meet them as business collaborators, and sometimes I go on dates with them. I could write a whole book on how to successfully mix business and pleasure, hell – that’s not a bad idea! It probably doesn’t hurt that sex is my business.

But, I’ve been using Tinder the last few months to help me easily identify the people at large events that are single. Have you ever been at a show, gallery opening or networking event and talked to the coolest guy for 2 hours, only to have them strategically drop into conversation that you’d get along so well with their girlfriend. It’s part of life, but I don’t have time for that shit, so I use Tinder to ease the process.

Prepare by doing a bit-o-Tinder before walking in. Get a lay of the singles-land and you’ll know who to chat up as soon as you walk in. I do this for business. If I’m working on a specific project, I will look people up on LinkedIn who are attending the same workshops or events that I am, to read up on how we could work together. It’s just strategic networking, why wouldn’t you do that for your romantic partnerships too?

If you think it’s creepy – it’s not. Have you ever walking around Target looking for something and had an employee ask “Can I help you find something?” They are just being helpful and helping point you in the direction of a thing you will eventually buy, so TARGET can make money.

It’s a mutually beneficial relationship. That guy you meet will be so thrilled that you knew to drop a few “single” hints and get his number without the guise of a business coffee date. You’re being honest and asking for what you want. That’s how you get what you need.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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Get your partner to give you mindblowing wallshaking oral sex without asking

There are 2 drastically different worlds of oral sex. One world is conversational, its the way we talk about blowjobs with our friends; it’s how we tell a group of girlfriends about the great sexcapade on our last date. It’s in the way movies and magazines make it seem so fun and tell you how much EVERYONE loves oral sex but nobody is doing it right. (which is only half true)

The other world exists inside the bedroom. It is strangely more serious and involves a lot of fumbling. Oral sex is the great equalizer in relationships and makes even the most confident people feel exposed, as it strips us down to our barest selves, emotionally and physically.

I’ve realized over the last few years talking to people openly and honestly about sex, not as many people love it as you’d think, and as they should. And this isn’t just for ladies, EVEN GUYS sometimes have mediocre and outright bad opinions of oral sex.

But it’s rarely a physical reaction. It’s the emotions of insecurity, and unsettledness that makes us scoot past 3rd base and on to the part we feel more comfortable with.

My own personal experience with oral sex is a long and hilarious one. And when I stopped analyzing it on an experience-by-experience basis or even partner-by-partner, I made some connections about my own personal sexuality that totally blew my own mind. (It’s not that hard to do)

We are so hyper-focused as a society on GIVING great oral that we rarely take into consideration the other 50% of the process. If we were more aware of ourselves and our actions when RECEIVING oral sex I think we could drastically improve the whole situation, by like 50%.

By being a better receiver of oral sex, you can make your partner never want to stop. We are inherently selfish beings. Just think of your own self confidence boost when someone tells you that you’re great in bed. It is an insta turn-on. And nothing is more empowering than feeling like we are amazing at oral sex.

When I put this thought into action behind closed doors; the way I had sex – and in particular the way I experienced oral sex – COMPLETELY changed. It may sound ridiculous, but in my most recent relationship one of our few problems in the bedroom was that we fought each other for who would GIVE oral sex. We both were open and honest about how we found mega pleasure in making the other person writhe and scream and collapse in ecstasy. Not in a way that we were humble givers of sex so our SO would be sexually fulfilled, but also from a completely selfish place that the give-and-take made us as sexually satisfied as being on the receiving end. Knowing that the favor would be returned with enthusiasm also took the score-keeping out of the process. Oral sex was a collaboration in sexual satisfaction. And that’s the way it should be. It was such an empowering experience to be on either end of the thing that we couldn’t get enough. We would often decide over dinner so we wouldn’t waste the time once we were home.

In some ways you have the power to control how good your partner is at oral. It’s not all about technique, it’s about emotion and investing in the other person’s pleasure. It’s about leading your partner in the right direction and telling them what you want, with or without words.

There are concrete things you should be doing while receiving oral sex that will help you shed your inhibitions and have a great time.

The first 30 seconds of oral sex are the toughest. Just after the moment that you see their face skimming down your torso towards your lady parts, your mind will begin to race with every thought of whether or not you shaved, how you smell, what you look like, whether or not they like you, etc.

Chill the fuck out.

Unless your partner is a complete newbie, they know exactly what they are getting themselves into. And to be honest, they are too close to the thing to notice a stray hair or pimple. Acknowledge your thoughts as being there and being totally crazy and let them go. Take a deep breathe and recognize the look of excitement on their face. They’re into it; so relax.

Nothing is more of a turn-off than a person who is uncomfortable. This is where the downward spiral starts and oral sex starts to divide couples instead of bringing them together. If you are having a hard time quieting your mind of the insecurities you are feeling, your partner can spidey-sense it. If they can tell you are uncomfortable and they think you aren’t enjoying what they are doing, they will start to get self conscious that their efforts aren’t “working” and you aren’t getting any pleasure. And isn’t that the whole reason they are down there??

Really put in your effort to relax. That’s your 50%!

That isn’t too much to ask. If you are having trouble letting go or are feeling antsy and distracted, let your partner know so they don’t feel like they’re missing out on something. And phrase it in a way that doesn’t lay blame on their lengua skills. If you ask your partner to stop, they are going to read that as “you are terrible at this.” – instead say something like “I’m really distracted, I would love if you would…”

And keep them to yourself. This is a few moments that are all about YOU! Take this time to revel in your own gorgeousness and appreciate your  body. Augment the awesomeness that is happening between your legs with your own hands. You know what turns you on, so do that. Use your hands to skim over your skin and get some goose bumps going, play with your nipples, touch your thighs or run your fingers through your hair. Your partner will love the group effort since it makes their job easier.

Since their face is buried in your free-flowing seventies-style bush, they are not going to be very vocal. Oral sex can be uncomfortably silent if you’re waiting for your partner to say something. If you haven’t noticed, they are a little busy. But that’s a great thing, because this is your moment to put on a show. Take control of the conversation and get a little dirty. Just go for the moan & groan if you don’t have anything specific to say, but I promise – the dirtier you get, the more eager they will be to please. Enjoy the fact that they can’t say anything back and use that to your advantage. Tell them how amazing it feels and tell them (with grace and some rasp in your voice) exactly what you want. They’ll give it to you.

One of the most difficult things about oral sex is the physical distance. Unlike vag->penis sex you aren’t smooshed up against each other, where you can feel the person completely. In most sexual positions it’s easy to read your partner’s body language. Their face is often near yours, so it’s easy to gauge their pleasure by the intensity of their breathing and the beating of their heart and other obvious physical reactions. But when you’re on opposite sides of the bed and hardly touching, the distance can make people feel very incredibly exposed. This is the moment where trust is made and relationships grow insanely intimate.

No joke. In this moment there is something really powerful about a simple physical connection that solidifies that trust. A graze of your fingertips on a man’s arm or neck when they are going down on you can feel so good. And there is nothing a woman loves more than an aggressive tongue with a gentle hand on the small of her back. That is enough to send shakes and shivers up anyone’s spine.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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The painful cycle of under-requited love

We’ve all felt the romantic pull of unrequited love. We see it in movies and literature all the time, it’s the backbone of great drama.

I never thought I would feel as much pain and anguish as that feeling of unrequited love, knowing that the person I was swooning over could never love me back. That was until I felt the rawest and most confusing emotion known to man (ok, that’s a bit dramatic); so unthinkable I had to accidentally create a word to truly describe it.

The feeling of knowing that the person I loved COULD love we back, but didn’t think I was worth it.

This weird gray area of love is incredibly complicated and can’t be resolved with an honest but quick conversation about “just friends” and “I like you, but I don’t likelike you.” It takes months or years for both partners to realize that the love is under-requited; and by whom and what should be done about it.

“I love you but not enough to stop sleeping with someone else.”“I love you but not enough to change my lifestyle to be closer to you.”“I love you, but not enough to help with the dishes.”“I love you but I want to be with someone who is younger/prettier/smarter.”

Under requited love is in a few words: I love you BUT…”

In an effort to start figuring out this whole thing for myself, coming out of a painfully under-requited relationship, I thought I’d put my own questions onto paper so you amazing people could help me figure it all out.

We all want a partner who is slightly better than our last partner. It’s natural, it’s practically natural selection. In an ideal relationship both partners feel like they are getting the better deal and “dating up”. They are with someone who makes them a better person and makes them feel worthy of an incredible partner. But in an under-requited relationship there is often an unhealthy addiction to that adrenaline rush of being with someone who we think is better than we are. It feeds on the insecurity that we aren’t good enough and perhaps at any moment our partner will figure it out and leave.

There is a subtle but enormous difference between that rush of excitement that we get when we’re spending time with a person who makes us feel like our best self; and the rush of anxiety we feel when a person who is smart, handsome and often selfish makes us feel belittled. We get caught up in the day-to-day actions of forcing love and ignore the core emotions. We are grateful for their love and feel the need to give more than we receive to keep them in our grasp.

I see this happen all the time with my clients who date selfish men. They feel small and unworthy but infatuated, and that translates into an unbalanced relationship. These relationships often don’t end for years, because the selfish partner is having all of their needs and wants met. Would you ever leave that? no!

Unfortunately, the anxiety and perpetuated anticipation burrows deep and turns into resentment for the partner who is having none of their needs met. This explodes and often the under-requited partner ends up being the rejected and the rejectee.

This is the question that makes me cry. I just did it while I was writing that sentence. I am a strong and courageous woman. So why then, after being strung along, dismissed and sort-of-loved-when-it-was-convenient, did I stay so long? Was I blind to the situation or just a complete idiot?

Neither. I did nothing wrong and there was no timeline for realizing I was dating a jerk. And honestly, he wasn’t a jerk and he did nothing wrong. We were working through the complex intimacies of a relationship and no one moment or action can be pinpointed as a mistake. But I never saw the forest for the trees, I could never see these moments culminating as I compromised my way towards an unhappy relationship.

One of my major faults was allowing my expectations to slowly drop and eventually become completely skewed.

I noticed that little by little my expectations dropped; with every unreturned call, every dodgy relationship talk and missed opportunity for commitment, I let my guard down and argued my way around the obvious. When expectations are low, a little bit of attention goes a lot further.

In any other relationship, having my man drive to visit me and take me out to dinner would be a normal Thursday night with my BF. But when that was a rare occasion and I was the one making plans, compromising my schedule and buying dinner, this was a monumental showing that he really did love me. Of course, this was all a fantasy in my head based on my insanely low expectations. He probably never flinched, and was annoyed at the extra time he had to spend. I read into every small kindness or remark and stretched it to capacity to justify our relationship. “He must love me, he bought me a Christmas gift.”

This is the question that I am scared to ask. I have reconciled my feelings with my ex and have happily moved on. Well, sort of happily. Those things that affected me in the past didn’t just disappear when I started my next relationship. I fight with those emotions every day.

My new man cares about me unabashedly. It feels so great to feel truly loved, respected and appreciated. There is no drama around the words and there was no great moment of declaration or pent up anticipation. It just is a thing that exists in our growing relationship. Doesn’t that sound amazing? And I know it is, BUT…. there was something in those old feelings of excitement, and the fireworks in the tension when my ex should’ve said “I love you” but didn’t. Those moments had an addictive quality that are hard to quit. I find myself being easily bored with a relationship that is simple and uncomplicated and I am worried that I am massively fucked up now and definitively jaded.

My skewed sense of realistic expectations have also left me confused. There were moments after my last relationship  ended that I felt so tired of the constant giving and appeasing and compromising that I have sat back and let my new boyfriend give to me and compromise for me and meet me more than halfway. Fortunately, I’ve tried to work my way out of that and can now see that I was being unfair. I work hard to fight those feelings. But, just to make things complicated, there are also times that I wonder if I’ve let my expectations drop so low that I am willing to get into any relationship where those needs were met, even if it is an imperfect match. Time will tell on that. Until then, I am working to not let my bad relationship ruin a good new one.

The part that really frightens me is that before dating me, my ex was in a relationship where he was the under-requited. His ex-girlfriend strung him along in the same ways he led me on. Obviously, I don’t know the deep intimacies of their relationship, but I could see where my uncomplicated love made him bored and even uncomfortable. I could see that the moments of drama in our relationship made him excited in a way that I wondered whether he was addicted to the arguments and theatrics in any relationship and whether he thought of love as something you have to constantly fight for with enormous grand gestures. That actually would explain a lot! He seemed exhausted after a long relationship of giving-giving-giving, so when he was with me and had the chance to take-take-take, he did.

I also see this cycle in other people. I even see my clients who have been hurt, turn around and hurt other men who are trying to get close to them. But I don’t think we are all jaded, unloveable crazies. I think it’s our responsibility to create a life we are proud of and we are capable as co-creators of our own life to break the cycle and build meaningful relationships.

What I’m starting to learn through working with women and men on both sides of under-requited love is that LOVE actually has very little to do with it. It is more often logistics, timing, complications and fear. Be careful before making things too personal. They might not be. The hurt is personal, but the cause is not always as simple as one person not loving the other. Talk to each other and figure out the real reason for your disconnection. Maybe taking some time to explore your personal needs and realign on timing is all your relationship needs to grow and thrive.

Not every relationship is destined to work out. Before things get bad and before relationships become imbalanced and potential hurtful, you can end things. Honesty and respect should lead the when and how.

My clients (friends, family and people on the bus) will hear me constantly say “feel your feelings”. Nothing is more detrimental to a relationship than the clogging of emotions. When feelings are ignored or pushed aside they fester and grow out of control and come back to make a situation worse. Cry or feel hurt in the moment, even if you want to look strong or unwavering. There is nothing more beneficial or powerful than feeling exactly what you actually feel, even if it means being vulnerable and looking .

There is a false expectation that a relationship was a success if you end up friends, and a failure if you end up never talking again. That is a fucking lie. Some relationships are deeply sexual and cannot reconnect as “just friends” and they don’t need to. If it happens, or if life circumstances like children, small communities or jobs keep you in the same room or social circle, find a friendship that honors the past and respects each individual.

Mastin Kipp has a great quote on unrequited love and it works here too. “The only unrequited love that truly exists is towards ourselves.” We cannot control the way other’s feel about us. BUT, we can take control of how we allow ourselves to experience their love. If we truly love ourselves, the love we get from other people only augments our experience. We don’t feel lack of love or a hole where romance once lived. We feel complete as co-creators of our own romantic experience.

Remember that you are a part of a bigger something. We don’t always know what’s best and sometimes there is a greater power at work; call it god or the Universe or intuition. Trust the process and know that sometimes letting go of something creates room for something better to come along. Or it creates the space and time and distance for relationships to rebalance and come together in their own time.

Meditate, yoga-like-crazy, eat slowly, practice lifestyle habits that slow you down and bring peace and joy back into your life. Force the joy and fake it if you need to. Love finds itself attracted to people who are full of happiness. Create that and love will be a no-brainer.

Founder of Red Lipstick Project and Health/Relationship coach. I help people fall in love with life. I work with women who want to follow their passions, find what makes them uniquely healthy and turns them on.

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Pants Half Full? What People Think of Their Penis

I can clearly remember the first penis (besides my own) that made an impression on me. I was at my friend’s house and I was no more than 7 years old. He and I were leaving his room, probably heading down to the basement to look for Pop Shoppe pop (his family was the only one I knew that actually bought the stuff) when we saw his father came out of the shower. I’m not sure whether his dad had progressive views on nudity or if he just didn’t notice we were there, but he walked out of the bathroom and down the hall to his bedroom, toweling his hair, his penis bobbing along.

Why do I remember my neighbor’s cock as clear as day? I can barely recall his or even my childhood friend's name, yet somehow I can't forget the image of his penis.

It's not as if my friend's father was some kind of amazing, rare creature. As I remember, he was somewhat ordinary: olive-skinned, dark-haired, stout. In fact, a similar set of adjectives could be used to describe his dick. As a boy, I saw how different his penis was from mine. His was darker, and the line of his circumcision was quite pronounced. I remember his distinct, dark bush, but mostly I remember how thick his penis was, even in a completely flaccid state. It looked sturdy, masculine.

I remember thinking: I hope mine looks like that someday.

It doesn’t.

A person’s relationship with their penis can be complex, wonderful, confusing and deeply influenced by society. One's penis can be a source of pleasure and pain, praise or embarrassment. (Our article, 10 Things You Don't Know About Penises demonstrates just how mysterious and fascinating this organ is.)

Unlike some of these guys, I have fairly benign feelings about my penis. I like it just fine and have no complaints. It is circumcised and has a slight curve. I’ve been told that the curve is a result of the circumcision. The head is just slightly wider than the shaft. According to this article I am a bit above average in the all-important categories of length and width and am more of a grower than a shower.

All-important indeed. When I say that a person’s relationship with their penis is complex, size is usually the main concern. Other factors that might influence one's feelings about their penis include coloring and shape, but size seems to be the most highly considered factor, and one that has long been fodder for comedy.

"When a joke is made about a man’s penis size," notes Jason Armstrong, blogger at Hunting for Sex: Cautionary Tales from the Quest, "we men ourselves guffaw and are expected to be strong enough to take the joke. Men haven’t gotten to the place where we can even admit to ourselves that penis insults have a corrosive effect on our psyches." Sam Sharpe, of Met Another Frog, concurs: "I think small penis jokes, in particular, are an accepted part of our culture and no one ever stops to think about their effect on people."

Note, of course, that it's always jokes about small penis size that get the laughs. It is rare that we hear any demeaning big dick jokes. Instead, a big penis is like some kind of magical unicorn... in fact, perhaps well-endowed folk are more prevalent in Scotland ?

Sam and Jason are happy with the way their cocks (their preferred term) look, though both would be interested in adding size if possible. "If given a magical, side-effects free way of 'improving’ my penis the same way I could lose a few pounds, whiten my teeth or remove skin blemishes, then I would," Sam concedes, and he doesn’t think he’s the only one. "I do believe that with the exception of the extremely well-endowed, most men would add a little size if they could."

On the other hand, while Jason thinks a bit more girth would make a good addition to his cock (pun intended), he does appreciate the unique nature of his circumcision: "Underneath the head, there are two connective tissues that connect from the head to the shaft." Having seen only one other person with this sort of cut, Jason knows his cock is special.

But even if we feel good about our penises, can the opinion of others - via personal interaction and media - influence our own cock confidence? It is understandable that negative influences might leave one feeling a little, well ... limp.

Sam relates that "a lifetime of exposure to popular culture's assertions that, as far as penises are concerned, bigger is better (not to mention widespread racial stereotyping on the issue) must have affected me in some way." He feels that he’s been "conditioned" to take others' opinions more seriously than his own.

Fortunately, the negative messaging doesn’t affect everyone. Some people are unfazed by all the talk, jokes and expectations.

"I remember being with a man whose penis truly was the size of a small pencil," Jason recalls. "But this gentleman had such self-confidence, and whether by choice or by natural inclination, he was an aggressive bottom. I admired the fact that he didn’t allow his lack of size to affect the size of his enthusiasm."

The long and short of it? Don’t beat yourself up about your cock. Beat yourself off instead!

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An Introduction to Genital Clamps for Women

If you have ever had your labia massaged or tugged on during foreplay, you may have noticed how good it feels. This is because putting pressure on the labia can stimulate the internal clitoris. That little button above the top of the vaginal opening that most of us know as the clitoris is really just the tip of a much larger iceberg. It is attached to an additional three to seven inches of sensitive tissue called the clitoral legs. These internal clitoral legs extend under the labia, on each side of the vaginal opening, in the shape of a wishbone. Often during external play, we concentrate on the head of the clitoris but ignore the thousands of sensitive nerve endings that lie beneath the surface of the vulva. (For more fascinating facts about the clitoris and more, check out 10 Things You Don't Know About Vaginas.)
People enjoy labia clamps for a number of reasons. First of all, massaging, tugging, or gently pinching the labia with genital clamps can cause the hidden portion of the clitoral complex to come alive, thus aiding in arousal and intensifying climax.

For those of us who like pain, stronger genital clamps can feel deliciously wicked, and can deliver the harsh sensations we crave. Whether you use mild or strong clamps, removal can prove erotically intense. When blood rushes back into the area that has just been clamped, every sensation is magnified. The simple act of blowing warm breath on the area or lightly caressing it with a finger can bring about unexpected sensations that are incredibly arousing.

You don’t need to buy a bunch of fancy equipment to indulge in the pleasures of genital clamping. When experimenting with any type of clamping, it’s important to start lightly and gradually increase the intensity over a number of sessions. Wooden clothespins are a great tool to start with.

For your first session with wooden clothespins, try clipping a number of pins along each side of the vaginal opening, on the outer labia. When you stand up, you should feel a gentle and pleasing tugging sensation. The act of running your fingers gently across the clothespins should also be enough to incite arousal. To hold the labia open, tie a wide silk scarf around the top of each thigh, pinning the ends of the clothespins to the legs. (Beyond clothespins, read our sexpert's advice about other Household Items That Make Good Sex Toys.)

It’s important to take safety considerations into account when using any type of genital clamp, even ones as gentle as wooden clothespins. First, never leave a clamp on one area for longer than 15-20 minutes. Even less time is advised for extremely tight clamps or for areas where the tissue is less meaty. Check the area every few minutes; if you notice blue or purple discoloration, or if the area becomes cold to the touch, remove the clamp immediately. Always avoid clamping nerve packed areas like the clitoris or clitoral hood. You can clamp either the inner or outer labia but keep in mind that because the outer labia are generally thicker, they can usually withstand more intense clamping. The inner labia are thinner and more delicate, so clamp accordingly.
If you're game to try something more intense than wooden clothespins, plastic clothespins, which clip more tightly and deliver more of a bite, are a good option. Other household implements like chip clips, hanger clips, or binder clips can all double as labia clamps.

Most types of nipple clamps can also be used on the labia. Nipple clamps connected by a chain add extra weight, thus increasing sensation. BDSM retailers also sell clamps with interchangeable weights so you can increase the heaviness as you become more accustomed to it.

As you progress in your genital clamp play, you may choose to combine this activity with blindfolds or arm restraints, or incorporate it into role-play scenarios. You can even wear labia clamps under a skirt in public and revel in the sexy secret only you and your partner know.

Any type of body clamp, be it for the penis, nipples, labia, or any other part of the body, hurts the most when it is removed. This is because, upon removal, circulation suddenly returns to the area, causing it to swell quickly. In order to subdue the rush of pain that occurs during clamp removal, certain steps need to be taken.

First and foremost, make sure your hands are dry. Any lube or moisture on your hands may cause the clamp to slip out of your fingers during removal and snap back down on the skin. This hurts. A LOT.

When removing the clamp, grip it firmly with the pointer finger and thumb of your dominant hand. Release the pressure slowly. As soon as the clamp breaks away from the skin, lift it up and away from the body swiftly. If the skin sticks to one side of the open clamp use your other hand to gently tug it away. Just before you remove the clamp, have your partner (or yourself if you are clamping solo) take a deep breath in. As the clip is being removed, they should relax their body and exhale. Breathing with the pain will make it easier to manage.

In the moments after clamp removal, do not touch the area. It will be extremely sensitive and likely painful. For some, the pain may be a welcome treat and for others it may be undesirable. The tighter the clip you use, the longer you should wait to touch the area. When you do start to touch, even light tickles or the simple act of blowing on the area will feel intense. The period of time after the initial rush of pain subsides, but before the swelling completely goes away, is the best time to gently play with and tease the area. The labia are hypersensitive at this stage and every touch will feel erotically magnified.

Now that you know the basics, is labia clamping something you’d like to try? You can start tonight by picking up a pack of clothespins at your local grocery or dollar store, or checking out some genital clamps at your local sex toy retailer. You might even already have some at home. Remember, since wooden clothes pins are porous, they should not be shared with partners and, in the case of vulva clamping, they should be discarded after use due to exposure to moisture. (Keep it clean and read our Top Tips for Sex Toy Sanitation.) If you find that the wooden clamps aren’t tight enough for your liking, loop a rubber band around the head for a tighter grip.

Happy clamping!

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Worried About Weight? How to Have Spectacular Sex Anyway

I was in my 20s the first time I heard the term BBW and learned that it stood for Big Beautiful Women. I had access to magazines, TV, books, movies and a host of other media, all without ever hearing of someone who thought fat bodies (like mine) could be sexy. I'm like a lot of fat people. (And yeah, I'm using the word fat even though some people still cringe when they hear it. Nothing about it is inherently insulting, negative, or worthy of scorn. I promise, getting used to hearing it will take the sting out.)

Anyway, like a lot of fat people, I was raised on a steady diet of disdain for my body, predicated on the idea that I could never be happily partnered with anyone if I "stayed fat." Many people of size are resigned to the idea that they should settle for boring, intermittent, unsatisfying sex, or worse -that they should forgo sexy times altogether until they lose weight. Given the stats on successful weight loss, roughly 95 percent of those people will be waiting a very long time. I'm sure geriatric sex is awesome, but why wait decades to have the awesome giggity you could be having right now? Let's take a look at what keeps some Big Beautiful Women (and yes, Big Handsome Men too) from the big, big love they could be enjoying now.

Trying new sex positions can be daunting for anyone. But when you or your partner look nothing like the Kama Sutra pictures, sex becomes a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a condom. Can you believe there's no such thing as a fat Kama Sutra? Existing books on sexual positions all focus on a specific body type that excludes not just fat people, but anyone below 5 feet or above 6 feet tall.

Solution: In the 1980s Dr. Ruth Westheimer encouraged the use of pillows for propping and leverage, making sex positions easier to achieve. Since then, people have been talking about sex more openly and more honestly, leading to a flood of products designed to help people of all sizes have great sex. The Liberator ramp is my personal fave. It's a bit of an investment but honestly, how much is too much to spend if the result is even more incredible sex? (Get more tips on sex positions in 9 Sex Moves to Rock a Woman's World.)

Finding sexy bras, garters, teddies and other lingerie in plus-sizes has always been a hassle. Even if you find a reasonably priced store that carries large sizes, they almost never have large models. A size 22 shouldn't have to guess what something will look like from seeing it on a size six model.

Solution: Fat-shion! More (mostly online) stores than ever carry plus-size lingerie of all types from modest to bold. Fat people demanded bustiers, thigh-high fishnets, silk boxer shorts, teddies and naughty nighties of all kinds. Torrid and Hips & Curves are good places to begin. (You can also check out plus-size lingerie at our affiliate, Adam & Eve.)

There are also crafting websites where talented seamstresses line up to create custom clothing for all sizes. Adventurous DIY types can add sparkle to boring bras with fabric paints, or even a bedazzler. Finally, you can network with other fatshionistas online to ask questions, get opinions and advice, and see pics of heavy people looking super cute in fancy duds. You might even see me over there!

The concept of confirmation bias means that our brains tend to favor information of imagery if it conforms to something we already believe. Most of us have been taught that, for example, full breasts above a small waist is very sexy. Anything that deviates from this, like fat, must not be sexy, right? Wrong! Sexy is always in the eye of the beholder. Luckily, the solution here is an easy one, since we always have the option to broaden our idea of what sexy looks like.

Solution: In the real world, preferences are as varied and changeable as the people who have them. Find some of the many wonderful images out there of people of all sizes playing sports, dancing, eating cupcakes, and getting the most out of life, and put them someplace you'll see them often. Whether it's on your refrigerator, your desktop wallpaper, or stuck on a bulletin board, surround yourself with images of people who look like you (or are you) doing wonderful things. Get used to looking at them until you remember that beauty can be found in a multitude of sizes -especially yours.

I'm certainly not suggesting that fat people are the only ones with body image issues, but fat people are often told how unacceptable they are by parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, classmates, friends, enemies and even total strangers. Whether it's done in the course of bullying or out of feigned concern, being told that your body is unhealthy, ugly, or wrong can make anyone feel decidedly unsexy. Because we don't tend to take good care of things we hate, bad body image can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Solution No.1: Pampering. Stress and negative body image go hand-in-hand. We tend to be less patient and accepting with ourselves when we're under stress. The first step in feeling better about yourself is to relax. Whether this means deep cleansing breaths, a few minutes of Mozart, or a nice foot massage, less stress leads to better body image. (Sex is also a great stress reliever. Read more in Skip the Gym, Get In Bed: 7 Health Benefits of Sex.)

Solution No.2: Realism. Everybody knows someone who hates to be photographed because they never like how the pictures turn out. But being fat isn't like having a zit on your nose. You can't hide it. What's more, everyone with working eyes can already see what you look like. So who exactly are you hiding from? Whoever they are, they can already see you. And they're wondering why you're trying to disguise curvy hips under a giant T-shirt, or hide a double chin behind a carefully placed thumb-and forefinger.

Aside from all the puritanical attitudes people have about nudity in general, fatties have an even bigger problem. They've been told that no one wants to see them naked. If you grew up believing that everyone thinks fat is ugly, taking your clothes off in front of another person is not so much sexy as it is heart-stoppingly terrifying.

Solution: Befriend your body. If you don't already do this, spend some alone time walking around your home naked. Do the things you'd normally do. Make some tea, read, fold laundry or just take a nap. Take a few minutes to really look at yourself in a full-length mirror and marvel at just how amazing your body is. Being naked with yourself will help you be more comfortable being naked with a friend. Befriending your body also means being honest about what it looks like. Fat women in particular are more likely to engage in fat-denying gymnastics during sex. They keep their arms tight at their sides or twist their backs like a pretzel doing yoga, all in the hope that they'll look a little slimmer, their stomachs a little flatter. Your partner can see you, and he totally wants to have sex with you. Accepting that upfront makes it easier to relax and have fun.

There are different types of shyness. The shyness I refer to here has to do with not speaking up about your needs, fears, likes and dislikes, or generally being too nervous to discuss things openly with your partner. This type of shyness doesn't just lead to bad sex; it can be crippling to the whole relationship. While shyness can seem daunting, it can also be overcome.

Solution: Talk it out. Many of us have been taught that it's romantic for our partner to magically understand our needs without being told. Unless you're dating a wizard, that's probably not possible. You don't have to wait until you're in the throes of passion to discuss sex. In fact, many couples find it less awkward to talk specifics at non-sexy times, while doing the dishes or relaxing in front of the TV, for example. The timing is less important than the openness. If your fear of crushing your partner (not a realistic worry, say the experts) makes you not want to avoid being on top, say so. If you burst into uncontrollable giggles at the sight of a glow-in-the-dark condom, say that too. Levity is great for diffusing awkwardness. (Get some tips on how to communicate better in Talk Dirty to Me: The Why and How of Hot Aural Sex.)

Focusing on fat can leave fatties feeling so ugly that we develop our own confirmation bias. But come one. Plenty of other things that come in all shapes, sizes and colors are called beautiful every day. Is a sunflower less beautiful than a peony because it's so much bigger? Of course not. Why should it be any different with human beings? It shouldn't, especially when you consider that the most powerful sex organ in humans is the brain. That means that spectacular sex - at any size - is really all about putting mind over body mass. (For more great info, check out "Big, Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size.")

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Review: OhMiBod Remote App and blueMotion Vibrator

The Verdict: (out of five)

Let me start by saying that I am not a sex toy reviewer. I am your average 30-something married woman with small kids who has an assortment of sex toys that come out for use when all the stars align. I like to think that I am somewhat adventurous in the bedroom, but I often read things or hear things that make me feel pretty "vanilla." So when Kinkly approached me to review a sex toy. I thought, why me? Then it occurred to me: I am the average sex toy consumer. So, why not me?

My adventure into the foray of sex toy reviews started more quickly than expected when the package arrived at my doorstep. I was expecting something else and it completely slipped my mind that this might be my OhMiBod blueMotion vibrator. So, I eagerly opened the package with my 7-year-old (who is quite a proficient reader) nosily standing beside me. Thankfully the packaging, although very hip and clean looking, is also very discreet. After convincing my daughter the box was of no interest to her, I quickly stowed it away for later.

The OhMiBod blueMotion vibrator is a very cool thing indeed. It includes a slim-line, wearable vibrator that is controlled via Bluetooth by using OhMiBod's Remote app on your Smartphone. (It's free, but if you want to pleasure your partner via the Internet, you'll need to make a $4.95 in-app purchase.) It has four pre-set vibration patterns to choose from, which are controlled on the vibrator itself (without smartphone). The app is compatible with iPhones, iPads, iPod Touches and Android. The vibrator also comes with a lace thong with a pocket for the vibrator to fit into, a privacy pouch and a USB charging cable. The vibrator is phthalate free and rechargeable. If you still aren't sure what this little gadget does, just imagine your partner controlling every thump of your vibrator, all the while looking like they are simply checking their phone! Discreet, fun and oh so sexy!

As it turns out, my life isn't overly exciting because the only options I could come up with to try out my new toy while in public was at the family Mother's Day brunch or my kids' soccer practice. I decided maybe those weren't the best options. I was eager to try it though, so we pulled it out one evening at home. My experience began when my husband accidentally fired this powerful little vibe up at full speed while I was brushing my teeth. The result? A high-pitched squeal and toothpaste everywhere. Fortunately, this product is very intuitive and we quickly got the hang of things. Even so, a trial run at home is a must!

I was a bit concerned about the included blue lace thong, but I must say that I was pleasantly surprised. There is a lot of elasticity to the underwear, so when they say "one size fits most" on the packaging, they are telling the truth. I am a size 8 and they fit me nicely, but I could easily see them fitting people smaller and larger than myself. They also look quite sexy and are made of a very nice material. I might even wear them without the vibrator!

The vibrator itself fits very easily and snugly into the pouch in the thong and once you know where the On button is, it's easy to turn the vibrator on, off or set it to different modes. I walked around quite a bit with the vibrator in the underwear to see how that felt and you definitely feel it, but it is in no way uncomfortable. In fact, more the opposite: The little nub on the top of the vibrator started rubbing in the just the right spot and I actually even started liking just walking around without any vibration. If you are going out and planning to use this, I suggest using the privacy pouch to take the vibrator in your purse and slipping away to put it on when you're ready for action.

After our false start, we started the vibrator up ... at a much slower speed. The app provides plenty of options for the person in control, including:

Different rhythm pattersThe ability to create different vibrations by tapping the smartphone screenThe ability to create unique vibrations by waving the phone back and forth to adjust intensityThe ability to use voice or other surrounding noises/music to control the vibratorFour continuous rhythm settings that can be controlled by pressing a button on the vibratorAll of the different rhythms felt good but my least favorite were the Touch and Voice settings because both of those allowed for some periods of no vibration based on how the person in control was operating the app. It turns out that I'm more of a consistent rhythm kinda gal. Thankfully, there are so many options, everyone is bound to find a few rhythms they like.

As for the intensity of the vibration, these can be controlled using the phone's volume buttons. With my phone, anything lower than 50 percent volume resulted in no vibrations. At 50 percent, the vibrations are relatively quiet but you would need some ambient noise to ensure your little secret down under stays a secret. Of course, it wasn't long before I wanted more, but once you pump the volume up over 50 percent, you definitely want to be in a place with some background noise. That said, the additional noise certainly does come with additional power. In fact, the vibrator is surprisingly powerful for its size. I don't think I could reach orgasm just by using it, but it certainly had the power to take me to a place that, had we been in public, I would have quickly needed to find some privacy.

We tested the range of the Bluetooth controls and found that we started having trouble when the distance between the vibrator and the smartphone controlling it grew beyond 12 feet. By 17 feet, the two devices lost their connection. The instructions indicate that the device has a range of approximately 15-20 feet, which appears to be consistent with our testing. That said, OhMiBod's recent Indiegogo campaign aims to eliminate this issue by adding Wi-Fi capabilities to the app, which would make it possible to pleasure your partner even when there are miles and miles between you. (Long-distance couples should consider jumping in just to get their own device!)

The vibrator arrived charged, which was very handy, although in my race to get off, I completely forgot to turn it off, which drained the battery. When I plugged it in to recharge, it only took a few hours to charge fully. Discreet packaging and wearabilityGreat selection of different rhythms and speedsEasy to use - both the App and vibratorComes with a nice lace thongMade from body-safe materialsThe app can be used to control a range of OhMiBod's products (everything except the Lovelife line and Club Vibe)RechargeableI really enjoyed this vibrator and am looking forward to trying it out again somewhere a bit more public. I would recommend it to anybody looking to add some spice into a night out. It might even be a fun way to play solo on your way to the bedroom. There's only one really big downside to the OhMiBod blueMotion vibrator and app: The only way to get your hands on one so far is to donate to the Indiegogo campaign. Here's a secret though, the required donation amount is less than the retail cost of the vibrator, so get one quick before the campaign ends and you have to pay full price! Overall, I'm giving it four hearts out of five.

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